Image for article titled Ticketmaster opens new workhouse where Taylor Swift fans can work to earn their Eras tickets

NORILSK, RUSSIA — Responding to complaints about skyrocketing ticket prices caused by excessive fees, live entertainment monolith Ticketmaster has opened a new workhouse where Taylor Swift fans can work to win tickets to her upcoming Eras tour, music industry sources confirmed on Friday. “Every time I feel like killing myself to end my miserable existence in the Ticketmaster gulag, I escape in my mind until the moment I finally see Taylor, and that keeps me going,” said said Emma Harrigan, an emaciated Taylor Swift fan, whose hands bled as she began another day of indentured servitude in hopes that many years from now her hard work would be redeemable for a single ticket to the one of the pop idol stage shows. “Just 35,000 more hours working in the Ticketmaster mines, and I’ll be with Tay Tay. When that day comes, I’ll proudly sing along to ‘Anti-Hero’ and dedicate every word to the thousands of fallen Swifties who didn’t. survived this cursed place – those who have never had the chance to stand 700 feet from Taylor and listen to pre-recorded backing tracks to his greatest hits. At press time, Harrigan reportedly collapsed from exhaustion and, after asking for a glass of water, was shouted at by a Ticketmaster attendant who asked him to shake.